I forget things,I always do, I forget lots of things, usually things that are uber important or some minute things. I've always been plagued by forgetfulness and bad memories. I guess I've gone really old. I actually almost forgot I got my livejournal here and DeviantArt around. I forget things, I just do.
I get upset at the smallest incidents, incidents which I can label them as tiny little insignificant flaws. I'm very unhappy at my own performance right now, I feel like a drunkard, you know, the kind who hangs out in the bar drinking and drinking,trying to forget things, trying to figure out a way to overcome their failures and disturbances. I...
I... play games to forget my duties,my responsibility as a student, my earnest faith to my lover and my family, it was a joyful moment for me to play a certain role in a game, to be the hero, to save the town, to destroy things, to make inspirations, to kill foes and strike out evil, to become the devil and impose tyranny, etcetera.
...my mind is not clear, I type whatever my fingers feel like, there is no direction in where I'm going in this journal...
However, I guess I can shed some light on my performances through this tale I wrote in my examinations paper last month.
In the morning of 1945, I hug myself, feeling the tainted fabric the Reich had given me, I groan in displeasure, I'm here I say, I'm here to defend what I can from the Red Scare. The very color demon represented, the very idealogy that destroy freewill and impose death sentences to students and heroes, sending leaders and farmers to Gulags and salt mines in Siberia. I'm here all right, I'm here, together with my dirty Karabiner 41k rifle who I affectionately named Leonidas, I proceeded to protect my land from evil, from Communism, from Imperialism, from anything that is against the Laws of God. Pathetic, I am. Are you still so content in believing a goal like that? Has Goebbels brainwash you like the rest of the Waffen SS or the HitlerJugend? I failed in protecting my families and my comrades, what use am I here, holding firmly onto Leonidas? Holding Leonidas made me calm, it made me the person to give or take any lives away with the rate of fire of 5 shots per 12 seconds at a range of 540 yards, adjustable sights and long barrel make me far,very far. And deadly.
Leonidas has been with me since the start of Barbarrossa where the Commies were under our iron threads of our Panzers. 4 years seems so far away, yet so near. I can still recall clearly how our gruppen decided to make minch meat out of these partisans and stomach battalions. Stomach battalions, that's what our officers used on the Ruskis, they seem to only crawl on their stomach and hug themselves whenever we fire our Maschinegewehr in burst shots only. Those were the days where Leonidas and me,as well as Sacha, my Mauser M.712 Pistol, make failure is the weakness of the enemies, those quote stuck onto our heads, no one can take me, Leonidas or Sacha away. 1941 was great, we rush through many villages and had a nice view of the countrysides and then that is where being an Ostfront Soldat is a huge mistake, snow. Lots and lots of snow, I once recall a white Russian cat huddle onto the snowy floor, I remember Andrea said : Ich hast Schnee. Cute cat, we actually adopted him as our regimental mascot.
"Scheisse" I murmured, bullets were zipping by the verdamnt window when I was having my flashback, I guess it was the Russian's way of telling us to keep you Bosch to stay awake. I place Leonidas gently onto the ground and peered up the next window.
Massacre. A bloody massacre. It's not that I didn't witness this sort of bloodshed as I gone through the whole war as a grenadier Schutze in the 85th Regiment, but this is clearly a hellhole in the middle of Berlin. Everyone was involved in this battle. Men,women,kids,old people. I couldn't believe how a T34-85's MG tears down a few old men from the Volkssturm within seconds, just seconds, or even faster than just second. Their old fragile limbs and organs were torn apart by Degtyaryov 7.62mm MG. Those were Germans, Germans who volunteered for the defense of our Fatherland, died by a Red tank. I couldn't hold in my emotions anymore, I slump down and ponder about my future, I have no one to look forward to whether we win or lose this war, not Andrea, not my family, not Schneekatze, don't even think about the Russians. Berlin is the next London, Hell on Earth.
I grab Leonidas and pat my holster for Sacha and move slowly towards the door. I peek around the corner of the door of Hans Obstmarkt and I find myself in a predicament: 2 Fucking Russians manning an old Maxim Machinegun, if I would to guess, that piece of shit must've taken lots of Germans and Russians, old piece of crap. I sling Leonidas onto my shoulder and figure out a plan. If I would to eliminate the MG position, I would expose myself to that verdamnt tank. To move back into the building would give me a difficult position to fire upon the crew of the Maxim gun. I breath in a mouthful of warm stagnant air and took out Sacha from my hip holster.
I can estimate I need at least 5 to 7 shots to kill the crew and run towards the opposite building which marked Kafe Konrad, I'll let fate decide what happens in the middle of things. I look at my belt buckle and feel the engraving;
Gott mit uns.
I dash out from the door frame and run towards the unsuspecting Russians, patting them with rounds of my Mauser. I can smell their death today, it's fresh enough to wake any men on Earth. Their screams in Russian, something like "Davoy", all my life I avoided Russian language, it's very difficult but I know of one phrase: "Dasvidanya".
The two men fall like rag doll onto the Maxim, blood gushes out, ruining the weapon. I am now expose in the middle of the Straße , and in front of me, I saw that Russian bull, engines clunking up and within the junk lies scream of Russian command, it was incomprehensive to me, I couldn't care less anyway as I am now in the path of a huge 76mm gun. I recollect myself and try to outrun whatever the tank tries to throw at me. I saw the light and it was just blank.
God With Us
That is what the engraving on my belt is.
I wonder if you can understand the hidden meaning within this story but I guess I just write this for the sake of symbolism. I hope you have fun reading it as I do writing it.
Can you guess how much marks I got?