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Dobb
29 September 2007 @ 04:30 am
I forget things,I always do, I forget lots of things, usually things that are uber important or some minute things. I've always been plagued by forgetfulness and bad memories. I guess I've gone really old. I actually almost forgot I got my livejournal here and DeviantArt around. I forget things, I just do.

I get upset at the smallest incidents, incidents which I can label them as tiny little insignificant flaws. I'm very unhappy at my own performance right now, I feel like a drunkard, you know, the kind who hangs out in the bar drinking and drinking,trying to forget things, trying to figure out a way to overcome their failures and disturbances. I...

I... play games to forget my duties,my responsibility as a student, my earnest faith to my lover and my family, it was a joyful moment for me to play a certain role in a game, to be the hero, to save the town, to destroy things, to make inspirations, to kill foes and strike out evil, to become the devil and impose tyranny, etcetera.

...my mind is not clear, I type whatever my fingers feel like, there is no direction in where I'm going in this journal...


However, I guess I can shed some light on my performances through this tale I wrote in my examinations paper last month.

---
In the morning of 1945, I hug myself, feeling the tainted fabric the Reich had given me, I groan in displeasure, I'm here I say, I'm here to defend what I can from the Red Scare. The very color demon represented, the very idealogy that destroy freewill and impose death sentences to students and heroes, sending leaders and farmers to Gulags and salt mines in Siberia. I'm here all right, I'm here, together with my dirty Karabiner 41k rifle who I affectionately named Leonidas, I proceeded to protect my land from evil, from Communism, from Imperialism, from anything that is against the Laws of God. Pathetic, I am. Are you still so content in believing a goal like that? Has Goebbels brainwash you like the rest of the Waffen SS or the HitlerJugend? I failed in protecting my families and my comrades, what use am I here, holding firmly onto Leonidas? Holding Leonidas made me calm, it made me the person to give or take any lives away with the rate of fire of 5 shots per 12 seconds at a range of 540 yards, adjustable sights and long barrel make me far,very far. And deadly.

Leonidas has been with me since the start of Barbarrossa where the Commies were under our iron threads of our Panzers. 4 years seems so far away, yet so near. I can still recall clearly how our gruppen decided to make minch meat out of these partisans and stomach battalions. Stomach battalions, that's what our officers used on the Ruskis, they seem to only crawl on their stomach and hug themselves whenever we fire our Maschinegewehr in burst shots only. Those were the days where Leonidas and me,as well as Sacha, my Mauser M.712 Pistol, make failure is the weakness of the enemies, those quote stuck onto our heads, no one can take me, Leonidas or Sacha away. 1941 was great, we rush through many villages and had a nice view of the countrysides and then that is where being an Ostfront Soldat is a huge mistake, snow. Lots and lots of snow, I once recall a white Russian cat huddle onto the snowy floor, I remember Andrea said : Ich hast Schnee. Cute cat, we actually adopted him as our regimental mascot.

"Scheisse" I murmured, bullets were zipping by the verdamnt window when I was having my flashback, I guess it was the Russian's way of telling us to keep you Bosch to stay awake. I place Leonidas gently onto the ground and peered up the next window.

Massacre. A bloody massacre. It's not that I didn't witness this sort of bloodshed as I gone through the whole war as a grenadier Schutze in the 85th Regiment, but this is clearly a hellhole in the middle of Berlin. Everyone was involved in this battle. Men,women,kids,old people. I couldn't believe how a T34-85's MG tears down a few old men from the Volkssturm within seconds, just seconds, or even faster than just second. Their old fragile limbs and organs were torn apart by Degtyaryov 7.62mm MG. Those were Germans, Germans who volunteered for the defense of our Fatherland, died by a Red tank. I couldn't hold in my emotions anymore, I slump down and ponder about my future, I have no one to look forward to whether we win or lose this war, not Andrea, not my family, not Schneekatze, don't even think about the Russians. Berlin is the next London, Hell on Earth.

I grab Leonidas and pat my holster for Sacha and move slowly towards the door. I peek around the corner of the door of Hans Obstmarkt and I find myself in a predicament: 2 Fucking Russians manning an old Maxim Machinegun, if I would to guess, that piece of shit must've taken lots of Germans and Russians, old piece of crap. I sling Leonidas onto my shoulder and figure out a plan. If I would to eliminate the MG position, I would expose myself to that verdamnt tank. To move back into the building would give me a difficult position to fire upon the crew of the Maxim gun. I breath in a mouthful of warm stagnant air and took out Sacha from my hip holster.

I can estimate I need at least 5 to 7 shots to kill the crew and run towards the opposite building which marked Kafe Konrad, I'll let fate decide what happens in the middle of things. I look at my belt buckle and feel the engraving;

Gott mit uns.

I dash out from the door frame and run towards the unsuspecting Russians, patting them with rounds of my Mauser. I can smell their death today, it's fresh enough to wake any men on Earth. Their screams in Russian, something like "Davoy", all my life I avoided Russian language, it's very difficult but I know of one phrase: "Dasvidanya".

The two men fall like rag doll onto the Maxim, blood gushes out, ruining the weapon. I am now expose in the middle of the Straße , and in front of me, I saw that Russian bull, engines clunking up and within the junk lies scream of Russian command, it was incomprehensive to me, I couldn't care less anyway as I am now in the path of a huge 76mm gun. I recollect myself and try to outrun whatever the tank tries to throw at me.  I saw the light and it was just blank.

God With Us

That is what the engraving on my belt is.
----------------

I wonder if you can understand the hidden meaning within this story but I guess I just write this for the sake of symbolism. I hope you have fun reading it as I do writing it.

Can you guess how much marks I got?
 
 
My Mood: coldKalt
My Music: You're Beautiful - James Blunt
 
 
Dobb
02 September 2007 @ 10:06 pm
    I always seem to get my inspiration and motivation from the most awkward times and places,like the last time I had one of those artistical inspiration, I was in the toilet doing something that should be censored.

Though this time it wouldn't be that disgusting but nontheless I find it pleasing to get my motivation from a game, so here was I playing Persona 3 and all of a sudden I received a revelation from my very own console! I was like, if my "Hero" is so uber awesome in the game,why couldn't I? So this whole day I spent my day readjusting my room and its furniture to make me feel someone new. It was tiring I tell ya, picking up stuff and putting it in another place, it makes me feel like I'm playing The Sims 2 all over again,only this time my face is filled with dust bunnies from outer space. I never knew a year of dust is so huge and choke-y. Now I feel less suffocating, which is quite good or else I'll lapse off with the damn itch again.

    Blah, I guess I just got to accomplish more. In the mean time, I got a few things I really want to do these weeks.

1. Fix and set up my model sets.
2. Get a chemistry tuition pronto
3. Set up a small community for furs who are interested in weapons and war.
4. Learn to play Bass. (Gotta buy first thou )
5. Brush up on my German language
6. Be active in AnthroAsia
7. Hang out with the furs.
8. Finish Persona 3
9. Make myself motivated before SPM
10.Pray. Hard.

Actually I can guess the last one is just to make the list look "enthusiastic". But meh, I'm fired up and ready to go.
 
 
My Music: Burn My Dread - Persona 3 OST
 
 
Dobb
27 August 2007 @ 03:15 pm
I'm so dead. You heard me, I'm dead. In a way, my spiritual essence has taken the booters and I'm now uber sick.

Went to the doc's today, I've been diagnosed with Cold Sore and Severe Acne problems. Not only that, I've been into stress quite heavy lately, that's the cause,according to what the doc said. He was right, I am really stressful, I just didn't know it. Told me to take pills for 5 days,5 times a day and half a pill for each intake. Total up to 25 tablets but 50 half tablets. Later on I asked him on my acne problems, man,the dude told me that I can't cure this acne with just over the counter pharmacy meds. No can do he said, so I've been prescribed for Doxycycline and Benoxyl Peroxide 5% again. 3 to 6 months. Let's hope it all works out before SPM. I don't want to look like Mr.Pimplehead during the photoshoots.

*Sigh*

I need to withdraw from the cyberworld.

/Sign out.

/Sign in with account name : " Real Life Amatuer"
 
 
My Mood: sicksick
My Music: Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
 
 
Dobb
06 August 2007 @ 04:30 am
"I almost got drunk at school at 14,Where I almost made out with the Homecoming Queen... Almost Had You..."

Almost a month, almost time for me to face the fact that I should start to sober up like the judge in Nuremberg Trials, almost make my peace with the Kaiser and yada-yada bang. I can say I discover this song through Abel G. ,miss the bloke, nice song really, awesome beat and funny video too.

    What am I kidding, I can't believe I lost my touch, of all things, I lost my grasp in English. Not to mention verbal speech, I can't talk straight without me gabbling all of a sudden to find that word to connect the sentence,I can't even type fast as usual, something's gone seriously fuck up in me. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING STRAIGHT! If I recall correctly, it happened right after that sodding competition, that Edusmith crap, at first, I thought it was a pretty awesome challenge to me,you know, a chance to show my English prowess to all these losers, I guess I was wrong, after some...unexplainable mishap happen during the contest, I sorta lost total confidence within me, I was in total shambles for like, a few days or so. I tried to talk to myself about it, I tried to snap it out of it, I tried lots of things and it doesn't work, my English vocabulary suddenly stops and delete itself word by word, my Grammar and comprehension of language is going downhill, I talk like an idiot, hell, I flunk my presentation and I swear to God people hated me more because I squawk like a crow swallowing a piece of pebble. No seriously, I am losing my touch. I lost myself too...

    There are so many things I could've accomplish these days, getting abit of studying, get some work done, organize my life and all that stuff. I can't say what's wrong with me, I'm not bleeding psychiatrist. But any pompous idiot will figure out there IS something wrong, it's just that I feel discussing it with a highly-paid professional who's working on the hi-life oughta help me solve this sodding piece of crap up pronto. Then again, I don't have the cash nor contact so I try to bear it myself. English comprehension,right. Anyone can write an essay,right? Sure,anyone can write "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called `Baldrick', and it lived happily ever after.". But the greatest essay, has to be just perfect with the amount of attraction to the reader, enough smart vocab to fool the simpleton and not to mention the linguistic beauty and total control over the flow of sophisticated grammar. In short, it's gotta be nice.

The night before the contest, I already prepared a set of cunning answers which I will just copy-pasta over like a rasta on a gasta (Whatever) during the contest. It was simply the best set of essay I probably ever wrote since Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote the Dictionary. Then again, I forgot about the rule that dictates nobody should under any circumstances use any reference during the contest. Fuck. I guess I was totally depress for a few days as I recall, hell, I even stop talking to a few people and begin to cocoon myself so that I feel comfortable knowing that I still feel superior in my own intellect. What am I talking about, I always hate losing a contest that I know I can win, this is so pathetic I know but it's just something that occurs to me, I never won anything or get pass semi-finals...

--Fast Forward--

    Here I am,still listening to the song and trying hard to concentrate my train of thoughts before I start to smack myself on the forehead to remember those words. I went to German class yesterday, it felt strange without Oliver around, in fact, I now understand how it feels like losing a friend and forcing you to stay in a stranger's house without contact to outer realm whatsoever. Then again, I discovered that not all things are bad, I sorta become abit more hardworking, I stayed inside during recess and fiddling about with my work (And eying on that cute devil). Speaking of work, Chris was there too,as always, my eyes were just totally glued to his perfect face, no matter how many times,millions,billions even a kazillion times I still won't forget that face, I do hope he doesn't read blogs; then again,if he does, it'll be a roller coaster ride ensues. Continue, examinations start around on Wednesday, curse you social-bureaucratic administrative of the highly unpopular government-controlled single-action elitist educational establishment! Curse ye to Dante's Inferno! GO FOR THE ANTI-DISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM!

    That is just a totally incomprehensive and chaotic rant. Whatever it is, I guess I can blame it all on the 5am sleepiness-rage.
 
 
My Mood: sadsad
My Music: Almost - Bowling For Soup
 
 
Dobb
24 June 2007 @ 03:04 am
I can't take it anymore,everytime I walk,talk,dream,masturbate,eat I keep thinking of him!!! No matter how hard I stop this addiction of mine,it keeps coming back spontaneously,it's madness!

    I tried myself various method,meeting new people,looking at hotter people but no,his face,his sneer is forever imbedded inside my mind. The way his face shapes like,the way his glasses reveals a more clearer face of his,his elegance when walking,talking or just moving his hands around...and not to mention his wonderful sense of fashion and hairstyle.


    As I turn on the websites looking for porn and slapping my hand away on my penis,his face keeps emerging like some sort of hallucination, it's like he's really there,watching me enjoying myself and releasing it all for him. It's so getting depressing I don't know what to do,it's a goddamn bloody unhealthy addiction to this damned person. I covered my face in shame and awe,moving myself away from this awful state of trance. It's like he wants me to act this way,I don't want him in my head anymore,please,every single time I try to live and let go,he comes inside like nobody's business. I'm taken,you're taken,I don't need anymore disagreement or trouble,I don't want to disobey my own faith and have it in your way eventhough in real life you too are having the same burden and you don't like me!


    I am typing now and almost as if I can hear him talking to him,hence all the things he said,running through my head,I'm out of my mind,I can't stop it,I want him as much as my heart can bear. My brain is urging this image to appear everytime I'm caught offguard,even if I am conscious,he is still there,why is he still in my head,I want to forget you,leave me alone,please,for Heaven's sake,it's not that you want me,it's I know that you are already taken with sincere love from your lover,with that warmth I cannot take it that easily,and that lies and web of deceit is not making me feel easier to obtain your heart. Don't make me do the stupid things,I've gone through hell and I don't want to go look for you again,I know you dislike me,you think I'm an ignorant and macho maniac when I am indeed a frail,unkind and an attention whore,I just like you,that's all,you know I'm ugly and with the mouth of a sailor. Oh the damned headache,the image burns like a thousand sun caressing me all over,it's so splitting I daren't call them just a migraine anymore,oh God...

I...held your hands before,I wanted to hug you but I couldn't,I wanted to make conversation with you but I'm shy, even if I did talk to you I'm a loudmouth bitch with the kindness capacity of a nutmeg, I want to make out with you but I'm scared you reject me and forever hold a grudge against me, I wanted to make sure you have a nice time during hang outs but I'm so afraid of you.
  
    I even lied to everyone saying it,saying that both of them are making it up,trying to make him look bad while in fact,he's in love,fuck this love,Bobby,fuck it all,he's in your head fucking you now,right? Yes,he's screwing my mind up,the lovely whore fuck just wants to show himself to me,eager to grab me over and wastes my life for him,to teach me a lesson on love and lust as well as not fucking around with people.....he said to me:

"Take care"

    All the things he said,running through my head....
 
 
My Mood: angryangry
My Music: All The Things She Said - Tatu
 
 
 
Dobb
26 May 2007 @ 12:02 am
So says Greenday. Bangkok or bust.
 
 
My Music: All Apologies - Nirvana
 
 
Dobb
23 April 2007 @ 01:08 am
Recreation of the mental experience is dangerous. I loathe it,I hate it and I'm doing it.

God forgive me for I am only man.
 
 
My Mood: lethargiclethargic
My Music: Starlight - Muse
 
 
Dobb
16 April 2007 @ 01:21 am
I wish the title was related to the song itself,nothing else,but alas,it wasn't.

At around 14th,Saturday morning,6am or so,my grandpa,he went on. He was at the hospital,suffering from Tuberculosis,the doctor diagnosed it and was shocked to see TB developed on for years or maybe decades and no treatment was sought during those periods. He was a smoker,quite a heavy one.

Funny thing,the last time I spoke to him was on the phone,I feel quite unpleasant trying to call him cause I don't feel like I got anything to say other than saying thank you to him for the money he sent me as well as the wishes for my birthday.

The conversation however,didn't last more than 23 seconds. He wished me a good happy birthday and said to behave and study hard. -I can't hold back now,I'm weeping as I write this down- Study hard? I've been thinking alot and it's really disturbing,in all my life,I'm the "Last Minuter",I never manage to control my laziness. I've never find a way to study what's on my book and make an effort to memorize it. I seriously need help,advice needed here.

It's not about that,it's about grandpa. The thing that scares me alot is,the doctor claim he was fine when he was at the hospital. My uncle was beside him all the time I think. The thing is that,he came over from Sarawak (Borneo) to have a vacation with us, he never show any signs of TB whatsoever, no heavy coughing,night sweats or skin discoloredment. He was having a blast here,he played guitar and harmonica,we went shopping for his music,he gave my bro his guitar too and he tells me about the family tree and history,I even followed him to get his haircut and his photos developed. We even celebrated his birthday together,had a wonderful dinner,we were all dressed up sharply and invited my dad's brother and his wife together too. I never understand how could he had gone,how could he be a victim of TB all of a sudden.

I'm not really religious or whatnot but,the freaky thing is that,during that day,on the 14th,a huge thunderstorm appeared around my area,the thunder strike two times in a same period. I never had that in my life,it's really scary. Winds were blowing madly too. Other than that,it lasted for a couple of hours.

The current situation is,he was buried this morning,Sunday. My mom and bro bought air tickets and go back to Borneo. They'll be back on Tuesday,that leaves me and dad behind,problem is,I doubt dad can fetch me to school back and fro,I wonder if I should skip school? I'm really worried about dad's workload though. Still,it's only two days...

I wonder one thing,a song,what song? I don't think he'll like "Always Look On The Bright side of Life." Or "Stairway to Heaven" or even "Angel".I wish to learn a song he love so I can play it,to remember him by...

God Bless Edward Sio. Do remember that we all deeply love you and cherish every moment with you.

I don't want to experience another loss.Never.
 
 
My Mood: coldcold
My Music: Blues Brothers (Peter Gunn) Theme - Blues Brothers
 
 
Dobb
10 April 2007 @ 01:12 am
Once upon a time,there was a boy who had an enchanted life. He live through many worthy and insatiable periods in his lifetime.

One day,he grew a year older and ponder:

How different am I this year?

The only thing in his mind now is,his raging hormones asking for sex or his raging hormones desire to enjoy his birthday by cruising the local gay strip.

--

I'm available this week,especially the weekends when my parents aren't around. So do hook me up eh? And I wonder what to get this year.....Bass Guitar? Upgrades for PC? New scanner and Tablet? What treasure lies ahead of me? Oh the choices....

But have you really ever wonder,what does one year older mean to you? A faster time for you to go to the heavens? More maturity? More experiences? A longer length of penis? Nope,I'm a step closer to college,baby!

Well,that's about it,Happy Birthday to me. :D

-----
I feel like apologizing and mending my broken friendship with my enemies but they're unwilling to listen and compromise. :(
 
 
My Mood: dirtydirty
My Music: About A Girl - Nirvana
 
 
Dobb
08 April 2007 @ 03:50 am

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality
You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about self than concerned about others, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more traditional than rebel, more artistic mind than engineering mind, more idealist than cynical, more leader than follower, and more extroverted than introverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are intellectual (74%), romantic (71%), adventurous (62%), artistic (59%).

Stereotypes
Punk Rock93%
Hippie58%
White Trash55%
 
Life Experience
Sex38%
Substances5%
Travel0%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 94% of the time.
  Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Working Class. You make more than 33% of those who have taken this test, and 94% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated PG-13.
By the way, your hottness rank is 55%, hotter than 30% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

 
 
My Mood: accomplishedaccomplished