May 3rd, 2008

It's never a compromise.

I want to write a song using that title. Why? Because, like the title, it's never a compromise. I'm pitching in a quick post so I'll be brief and dashing out lots of fancy smancy along the way. So basically, what am I so screwed here is that; I am not faggotry enough. I had a short arguments with Mana-Chan a while ago. Apparently, it's about my interests and other stuff that is long.

    I love the army, not the army life mind you but the Espirit De Corp, the Semper Fi and all the Hooah, the zeal, the courage, the command of an army, and so forth, I like military, I love weapons. I love war. I love Vampirism. I love furry. I love sci fi. I love history. I love trivias. I love politics and I love girly boys. I can tell you why I like militarism, my hostile enviroment demands it. Living in Malaysia is difficult enough, students are not pampered but are beaten up to be a man, some are lucky and stay to become the quiet accountant who loves his job and his boyfriend. If not, he ends up being the hostile character who does nothing but spending time in brothels, drinking heavily and impregnating his daughter 7 times. The latter however, is me. Or us. But I am kinda representing my group here. Malaysia was decent. Kinda. But what kills us kids is school. I was in both co-ed school and single sex. Co-eds are lighter compare to Single sex, think of Juveniles without bars when it comes to Single sex schools.

Co-ed had both boys and girls. It is alot better however but it was never a complete satisfactory choice. Issues I had in Co-ed before is, dissing a guy's girlfriend who happens to be part of the local mob. Having horrible fashion issues and getting mocked and teased by girls. Almost got beaten up by big tough guys who thinks they can outsmart me by bringing in group of other big tough jocks to intimidate me. And lastly, girls will seduce you. Not to mention being gay is VERY uncommon. You got vagoos and boobies in there, how could a guy go gay? That's for you to think about.

Single sex is easy. Yep. No girls to harass you, no girls to use their boyfriend's power to hold us by the balls and choke us to pieces. Single sex school is a place filled with testosterone. Nothing is girly. Nothing is pretty. NOTHING IS CREATIVE. All you do daily here, is avoid trouble. You got pedo teachers, bondage masters, retarded jerks, sly stool pigeons and so forth, that's the teachers and prefects. Students, however are a different deal. I can give you an example of my daily routine. Going to school, avoid the extortion gangs, sit on cold wet concrete pavement and await useless speeches,clap hands, enter class and avoid going through the front doors, those who do usually get threaten with stupid minor things, like accidentally bump the guy or whatnot, they just want to rape you with their fists, and leave you dead. Then, you'll get the occasional crap from abusive teachers, some religious zealots and maybe Mr.Molester. Gay in Single sex school is common. There are decent chaps, like prefects and goodies. I admit I had a crush with a few ones, cause they like ponies and yaoi. These kids, are to be harassed 24/7, even after schools by other kids. Poor buggers, never stood a chance at life. Probably now trying to fix their girlishness with fights and bad hetero sex. Whatev.

I told Mana, he's a Privvie (non-offensive). A term used to describe lucky sods who manage to participate in private schools that are westernized, i.e, International Schools, Canadian Homeschooling , and French Baccalaureate..etc. These blokes, doesn't know how lucky they are. Like spoilt brats you seen on the telly, these kids are so off with their heads, they run around claiming school sucks. Sure it sucks, but does it SUCK harder than public school IN MALAYSIA? I addressed issues like education alot of times to Andy, because I feel, education in Malaysia is like a retard in Africa teaching a monkey to memorize the word "Funky Monkey" and have a huge test to determine your life and destiny, to the monkey. Really, my bloke Oliver took IB programme, he's as smart as the Duke of Wellington with a set of China tea . Lucky bastards, take whatever subjects within those groups given, freedom of expression and emotions, no suppressed thoughts like in my school, freedom to expose creativity to the fullest, the freedom to be an individual.

Here are the list of things we were taught in Form 5 Moral classes.

1. Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech)
2. Kebebasan Beragama (Freedom to practice religion )
3. Sikap Keterbukaan (Openness to Criticism and comments)

Give up yet, Privvies?

I never seen those in my school. Not just my school. All schools in Malaysia (Except privvie schools) We were given ugly sets of uniforms to wear and parade in school, there is no sense of individualism. Haircut? Short. No color, no style. Styling which is accepted are crew cuts (Andy's school), side parting ( my school), bald and natural SHORT hair of no style. No jewelries, no any sort of marking that strikes you out from the crowd, anything of long hair, fashionable pins and whatnot, will be dealt with punishments of epic proportion, parents will be given the shouts and demand their child to practice a harsher disciplinary rules, wear uniforms, respect yourself, be part of the average kids (in Malaysia), no exceptions. Anything else is a no. Kids doesn't know what is Judaism. Whoever has been gone to Wiki will be the kind of kids like me mayhaps, but to those other kids in Malaysia, no. Judaism is Israelites who are to be maimed and killed because they are warmongering sons of bitches who kills Palestinian kids. Trust me, I symphatize, but really, do you think it's kinda their chance to kick the world cause of the holocaust or something? Other than that, I've got Jewish friends too, they're not anything different, they seem to act like Muslims too. Religion is free, I can practice humanist-secularism and I won't get my picket fence kicked by any extreme Christian sects or I can be an Altheist and said the all Mighty F word to the High one above, really, I can be anything, why is being something not in our textbook here is a crime? Religion, to me, sometimes is a burden, but I love God, I prayed to him, but I just never think he'll rain down some sort of huge judgement like ragnarok on us because I told a lie to my brother. Fate is for us to decide and outcome is because of our handiwork.

As any of you would know, you'll raise up your hands, amongst those with your classmates, and ask your teacher, why is the world round. For my case, I raised up my hands and asked my English teacher, "Why aren't we been taught Romeo And Juliet? We're 17 and any 13 year old kid in Briton already finished it 3 times." The only respond I get is, "That book is not authorized by the government for us to teach you, and furthermore, it is not part of my lesson plan to answer your question, Mr.Tan."

What-The-Fuck? Did you went WTF too, Privvies?

Oliver asked me the other day. "Have you read 1984? It's a real good read. Read it since I was in 9th grade."  I knew about 1984, by Orwell, but I fake a respond and said I have not. He laughed at my face and called me a book burning redneck. All I can say is, I love the government of Malaysia, for being so fucking retarded and having us people being called a redneck. So, everytime people asked me about books and films that we were not taught or shown in school, I said the government banned them. Simple. I will treat this land like Kazakhstan. I will be like Borat. Really, why aren't we been taught something awesome? I never did read Romeo and Juliet, nor Merchant of Venice, nor The Ravens.

You don't have to blame the government, you know, you can read it now.

Andy asked me that one, truth is, I called him an idiot. Given the amount of time while we were in school, couldn't we saved alot of time by reading these classics? Instead of wasting my time reading it now when I've got exams and huge sodding work to do outside? It will save a lot of time, it will buck up our English and promote a sense of mix Westernization and Orientalism. But no, my country is like Kazakhstan, I will burn it to the ground, later.

You should see the lights, privvies.

Regarding our teachers, everything is a no whatever we request is, it's always "The teacher said this, the teacher said that." Mind you, teachers in Malaysia nowadays are so full of shite, I rather read Wikipedia even though it's notorious for its incorrect data sometimes. Really, what I am telling you is not a joke, my teacher doesn't know whether to use Gray or Grey. Or Bitch is an actual word but seldomly use in text and it can be used as an offensive term, and that uber is a prefix for the Latin Hyper, the Greek Super and the English over. My history teacher doesn't know what is fascism, she doesn't know what else did the Japanese army did to Malaya, they doesn't know what year Korean war started, nor did they know that VIETNAM WAR existed, I do not blame them just cause they never lived through WW2 or Vietnam war, but really, with the amount of data online, in films and books, it is possible to say, I know Vietnam had a war with the US, not sure who won or what happened. Acknowledging it being existed makes you seem smarter than questioning me back that what the hell is that. My chemistry teacher gave us past years papers to study rather than teaching us. We did no lab works. Sport is a bunch of hooie with us jumping around and running like idiots. To create a club takes extremely long time, not because of bureaucracy, but because of reluctance from principals. What is it so bad about creating Chinese Society, are they afraid of the Triads? Or what is it so bad about creating a German-English translation club, is Goethe or Faust a bad read? Fashion club is denied because it's a senseless bunch of cloths patch up to look good? Cosplay Club, ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING OUT LOUD. Gamers Club, Hax0rs happened. Miniature Models Club, I think your kitty crushed its framework. So many ideas to help kids being active and beneficial in school and future life, so many phails that I do not know what or how to begin with. Do you realize how hard it is to be an auteur? I struggled with my creativity. Everytime I expressed an idea, it was shot down like the Red Baron. Creativity is banned. In a way. Art is a failure of which it comprises of 3 sections, where kids must learn sophisticated Malay and terms that are unheard of by non-Malays, incomprehensive texts that is uber long and lots more. Then you must do artwork and so forth, it seems okay, until you got a physics teacher turned art critic because of how lacking they are in the field of arts.

I am not really a big guy, my penis stands admittingly about 4" and yes, it is below average, and should be labeled small. Yes it's tiny and yada-yada-yada, but these days, I'm suffering from Penis envy. How do you say that your best friend and you were taking a leak, and you noticed his willy hung out like strings of tied up sausages and all he said was. "Chicks dig it." Yes, that struck me as, whoa, penis envy, a stupid retarded syndrome that made all men typing out  "Penis Enlargement" on Google. What was it about penis envy I should know, wait, penis envy? Shouldn't sex education covered it? No wait, sex education is bad, yes it is bad in Malaysia, cause we should never bring such a shameful topic out in public, guessed what, Europeans are starting sex education since the 70s and look at them, they are happy, some knew kegel, some practice diet, exercises to help their sex life. We never did know about sex education, hence the massive ads you can see on telephone poles by the streets that says "Kemaluan laki kecil? Telefonkan Pak Besar untuk ubat herbal yang boleh membesarkan sampai lapan inchi!" *Small penis? Call up Uncle Big for a herbal treatment that will enlarge your penis till 8 inches!* Ads like this, pulled us into believing that we can actually enlarge our penis, with the lack of sex education plus the education school gave us, any men will give in, even my father, once. I wish there was a sex counselor to help with my problems, but really, 4" inch is the type that goes I can hump a girl, but I'm a gay guy, how the hell am I gonna pleasure a guy by humping him with a tiny prick? The answer is, I don't wanna bother anymore. Sex education is useless even if it is applied in Malaysia now, conservative fucks will go all over it like flies on cowpie. I understand many guys in Malaysia had a sort of private problems, small balls,pricks,not enough orgasm, whatever it is, why didn't we been given sex eds so that we can understand further? Instead we cower in the dark, some will just stay hidden online googling for the answer to why is his penis small. Nobody in Malaysia believes it is genetics, they will say there is a way to grow it, you just need the right medicines. Truth be told, I even felt like answering one of those ads, though now, I understand some things because of my mate and a friend. I am lucky enough to say I did not end up like that Singaporean teen who suicided because of his small penis size. I admit I am small, but because it was how I brought it up that is small, I had to accept the facts. And no sex ed in Malaysia will help me through my gloomy periods of penis envy.

[Okay, that is an edited text I had because it was floating around in my head the whole morning.]

One last chance, Privvies.

Mana told me about how he dreamt of giving a valediction on stage, wearing robes and the mortarboards, after the tearful but satisfying speech, hat toss, then the Pièce de résistance , Pomp and Circumstances, March 4 plays, with lads and lassies, side by side, crying and congratulating each other on years of youthful zest, completed with ample pillars of educations being applied to our foundations. Although he won't give a valediction, he'll be part of the group still. Then, after that, I traded my version of my graduation of 2007.

Our loudspeakers ( We called them propaganda towers, like the ones China used) called for us to immediately come down to the assembly stage (Which is just the parking lot with a stage in the middle) and those who refuse to participate or late will be given strokes of cane or suffer being rejected for a school certificate. Hence, we obeyed (Like zombies). It was all ugly. All cheap stuff, made to us and treated us like slaves. We were paraded among uninterested kids of the younger forms. We go class by class. As my name was called out in a very embaressing way, I stood out, walked on stage, and in front of me were a random helper teacher, the principal and a prefect. A handshake, and I've been given my hard earn token of appreciation, my certificate! But where is the robe? The hat toss? The bands and the tearful joy? Then I was being shushed down the steps and a prefect demanded me my certificate. I asked her what for. She gave me the I don't care look and said, we're keeping this until you take your SPM results in March 2008. Gave her the finger and sod off. THAT is my graduation. I took my papers together with my results. There was no joy, no sadness, no sense of dignity in achieving my certificate. That is how we are. We'll do that hat toss though, later in life, in university. I feel like a baby now.

Can I be girly in those kind of conditions? Can I say I won't be afraid to love Madonna in raw public places in school? Can I say I am gay even, in school? Or can I say so many other things that are forbidden in my school?


Two morals here, education is the pillar of the nation. And the other is, Malaysians are really funny.

I deserved to be given the Corporal Cuddling. Yes. I am that bad.

Fuck you privvies. Why can't you understand public school? Mana,Oliver, Nate, Roger, why can't you behave like average normal beings, instead of screwing me and making me feel so low because I am in public school. I wish you take a chance and study in my school. I want to see how hard you go with the  WTF face every hour, the hours of pain sitting in a classroom that is so torn down like there's a tornado with paintcans in it screwing up the room. Why don't you understand how hard life was for us?

Really, do not say, " Don't try to compare our lives, we're different." Of course we're different, I compared, because without that broad line of comparison, how can I deserve the respect and maybe the sympathy? Why'd you called me an idiot, because we did not read things that you lots read? Why treat me like a common fool too? I want to be an educated person, but really, can any Malaysians of my status afford to pay 3 to 6 k Malaysian Ringgit to attend a semester of privvie schooling? That isn't inclusive with taxes, books and other fees. For you privvies, you lucky sods are too much, you've got the money, the condition, the enviroment to be happy and successful in life, you have what I do not have. You have international friends with extreme broad of mind, the teachers who are willing (but flawed sometimes) to assist, you have the freedom to do whatever you do so,as long as it is in the book. You enjoyed holidays and events that happened in America, like Culture Day, or Earth Day. We did not have any like that, we however, suffered events created by our education boards to torture and torment us forever. You people are too lucky, accept that you are happy with your lives, and that admit it that I have a more unfortunate fate. And never squabble over how bad your life or your school is because of some minor incidence, I rather go through thick and thin to stay in a privvie school. I never had a great graduation, I never had great events occuring in life. I however did have many scars from those lonely battles and emotional skirmishes. Forgive me when I say you should pay more respects to my failed attempt at school life. I will never see prom.I will never attend a bake sale, I will never go for Sadie Hawkin's Dance, nor will I toss my hat high to the air with my strength and shout that the stages in my life is closing in to be completed, I will never understand why. I am sorry for all these inconveniences but do bear in mind, your fate is forever sealed in that box that shall never be harmed nor broken. Live free. You blokes are the future. Be glad that you are not me, who had to suffer to write all these crap to remind you incessantly that being a privvie might be tough, but better than being a dumb retard like me.

I want a complete graduation.

Cause I love the mortarboard hats.

Let live and let go.

I always say sorry,

 because it's never a compromise.
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