Dobb (dobthedictator) wrote,

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Penny For A Thought

    Back from Perth and all I can say is, it's quite an interesting way to clear my head, apart from lots of screw ups and scoldings from both parents and my incomprehensible brother. Times sure goes back fast, 10 days of relaxing my mind off the whole trying to get outta here quick and get a student pass! The holiday itself, I never realize how friendly Australians are, I mean, if you're happen to be ignorant like me, you'll probably go saying "The Aussies love to see the Pope headbutting Obama and the Queen!" Rather,it's more or less their inner aggression, as far as I know, it's awesome to see how they react to your presence by going " Hey there, how're ya?" or  "Righto, here's the change,have a nice day and ta!" They really do make me heart goes warm, seriously, if only Malaysians were this friendly, I would've decided to just stay put here and went on my Tertiary education here in Malaysia.

    Aside from wonderful people, you get wonderful food! And not to mention Perth's own gay village. Or I think it is. I don't know, I'm glad I never went there on foot personally, just drove by around with a car; do you really feel easy when your parents were with you and together explore the homosexuality of a foreign country? Don't think so, mate. In short, food's great, people's great, nice weather and it tore a huge bloody hole in my wallet. Me moneybag is empty from all that expenditures.

    Ok, Perth's great and all but I'm not, really,I'm not bleeding happy, I'm like, at 15% capacity of happiness. As you know, I'm moving forward now, no more the old me where I groan and moan about how life sucks, I want to be the man ( woman) of action, no more loafing around like some buffoon. So I took the liberty of constructing a chart and monitor my physical physique, took pictures of me and gauge how much I've change,either from pale to healthy and so forth. It's great to know I got the motivation to actually attend to my own desire, rather than sit about thinking when the action is.

I want to crossdress.

No,I'm not lying here, neither I'm boasting. In my honest opinion here, and from others too, I do not possessed that quality a woman originally have, the tenderness and care, the utmost urge to stay calm at every decision and to be proactive at all situations. Me, what do I have really? I'm loud, obnoxious, unhygienic, disturbing and graceless. Hell, even a Communistic Ant struts with more grace than I do. It's not about the cloths, neither does the attention, I just feel like, there's a sense of extroverted mature loving woman in me, I know it sounds silly like a book from Charles Dickens but believe me, as a Pansexual, I'm open to any ideas regarding self-sexuality and mental conditions.

    I...admit I got some nice physical beauty that surpasses even a woman, like my very girly shota-loving cousin. I'm glad that I had those, except that, apart from that, if you would look at me naked, I think I would fit at the Chubby nerd-fucko type. I'm a size 34 for Pete's sake, I couldn't even wear the pants I had last year! Now you see why I feel like I must take some serious action on my health.

Andy told me I lack self-esteem. Now if that's related or not, it does really, I lack confidence in achieving my goal and finishing any accomplishments, especially those that garners some sort of attention , I hate being looked at, I hate being gossiped at, I took it quite personally and eventually, it leads to my downfall. My image is on the brink of self-absorption, now is definitely the time for me to understand my situation with utmost prejudice. Still, depending on how I go, I hope I can go well with my desire to crossdress and perform like Mika on a Sunday Morning with Adam Levine. 

All I need is a woman figure to guide me, like a shepherd to a lost flock of lamberts. And home on my own, seriously, do you think I would have lipsticks and eyelash curlers on my dressing table in full clear view to my parents now eh? Still,Andy told me that time will eventually come. It seems late now in my perspective, I lost that momentum and it'll be ultimately difficult to absorbing back that energy and physic to generate that sort of momentum I needed to unleash the inner me. I wish I can turn back time, to turn all those incidents around.. I'm bloody jealous of those Japanese crossdressers, they're effing good if you'd noticed. That androgynous body with a sense of femininity wrap around their all so beautiful face, they catwalk like a lovely model from the 80s. Hell, you can just look at Thailand or the States itself, I'm jealous at them, really I do, I'm jealous at this boy who really had the most beautiful face I've dream about, slick body and lovely legs, oh, aside from Mana-chan. He's so perdy too I felt stupid just thinking about anyone else. But that's me. They just really do fit in the category, and what I've researched about them, their upbringing led them to their fortunate fate. Their personality, their parents, their siblings and friends, things like that have a huge factor on how they're today, just wish I got the same treatment.

"Barry, shut the fuck up, seriously."

Free cookie for whoever guessed where that lines from. =P


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