It's never a compromise.

I want to write a song using that title. Why? Because, like the title, it's never a compromise. I'm pitching in a quick post so I'll be brief and dashing out lots of fancy smancy along the way. So basically, what am I so screwed here is that; I am not faggotry enough. I had a short arguments with Mana-Chan a while ago. Apparently, it's about my interests and other stuff that is long.

    I love the army, not the army life mind you but the Espirit De Corp, the Semper Fi and all the Hooah, the zeal, the courage, the command of an army, and so forth, I like military, I love weapons. I love war. I love Vampirism. I love furry. I love sci fi. I love history. I love trivias. I love politics and I love girly boys. I can tell you why I like militarism, my hostile enviroment demands it. Living in Malaysia is difficult enough, students are not pampered but are beaten up to be a man, some are lucky and stay to become the quiet accountant who loves his job and his boyfriend. If not, he ends up being the hostile character who does nothing but spending time in brothels, drinking heavily and impregnating his daughter 7 times. The latter however, is me. Or us. But I am kinda representing my group here. Malaysia was decent. Kinda. But what kills us kids is school. I was in both co-ed school and single sex. Co-eds are lighter compare to Single sex, think of Juveniles without bars when it comes to Single sex schools.

Co-ed had both boys and girls. It is alot better however but it was never a complete satisfactory choice. Issues I had in Co-ed before is, dissing a guy's girlfriend who happens to be part of the local mob. Having horrible fashion issues and getting mocked and teased by girls. Almost got beaten up by big tough guys who thinks they can outsmart me by bringing in group of other big tough jocks to intimidate me. And lastly, girls will seduce you. Not to mention being gay is VERY uncommon. You got vagoos and boobies in there, how could a guy go gay? That's for you to think about.

Single sex is easy. Yep. No girls to harass you, no girls to use their boyfriend's power to hold us by the balls and choke us to pieces. Single sex school is a place filled with testosterone. Nothing is girly. Nothing is pretty. NOTHING IS CREATIVE. All you do daily here, is avoid trouble. You got pedo teachers, bondage masters, retarded jerks, sly stool pigeons and so forth, that's the teachers and prefects. Students, however are a different deal. I can give you an example of my daily routine. Going to school, avoid the extortion gangs, sit on cold wet concrete pavement and await useless speeches,clap hands, enter class and avoid going through the front doors, those who do usually get threaten with stupid minor things, like accidentally bump the guy or whatnot, they just want to rape you with their fists, and leave you dead. Then, you'll get the occasional crap from abusive teachers, some religious zealots and maybe Mr.Molester. Gay in Single sex school is common. There are decent chaps, like prefects and goodies. I admit I had a crush with a few ones, cause they like ponies and yaoi. These kids, are to be harassed 24/7, even after schools by other kids. Poor buggers, never stood a chance at life. Probably now trying to fix their girlishness with fights and bad hetero sex. Whatev.

I told Mana, he's a Privvie (non-offensive). A term used to describe lucky sods who manage to participate in private schools that are westernized, i.e, International Schools, Canadian Homeschooling , and French Baccalaureate..etc. These blokes, doesn't know how lucky they are. Like spoilt brats you seen on the telly, these kids are so off with their heads, they run around claiming school sucks. Sure it sucks, but does it SUCK harder than public school IN MALAYSIA? I addressed issues like education alot of times to Andy, because I feel, education in Malaysia is like a retard in Africa teaching a monkey to memorize the word "Funky Monkey" and have a huge test to determine your life and destiny, to the monkey. Really, my bloke Oliver took IB programme, he's as smart as the Duke of Wellington with a set of China tea . Lucky bastards, take whatever subjects within those groups given, freedom of expression and emotions, no suppressed thoughts like in my school, freedom to expose creativity to the fullest, the freedom to be an individual.

Here are the list of things we were taught in Form 5 Moral classes.

1. Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech)
2. Kebebasan Beragama (Freedom to practice religion )
3. Sikap Keterbukaan (Openness to Criticism and comments)

Give up yet, Privvies?

I never seen those in my school. Not just my school. All schools in Malaysia (Except privvie schools) We were given ugly sets of uniforms to wear and parade in school, there is no sense of individualism. Haircut? Short. No color, no style. Styling which is accepted are crew cuts (Andy's school), side parting ( my school), bald and natural SHORT hair of no style. No jewelries, no any sort of marking that strikes you out from the crowd, anything of long hair, fashionable pins and whatnot, will be dealt with punishments of epic proportion, parents will be given the shouts and demand their child to practice a harsher disciplinary rules, wear uniforms, respect yourself, be part of the average kids (in Malaysia), no exceptions. Anything else is a no. Kids doesn't know what is Judaism. Whoever has been gone to Wiki will be the kind of kids like me mayhaps, but to those other kids in Malaysia, no. Judaism is Israelites who are to be maimed and killed because they are warmongering sons of bitches who kills Palestinian kids. Trust me, I symphatize, but really, do you think it's kinda their chance to kick the world cause of the holocaust or something? Other than that, I've got Jewish friends too, they're not anything different, they seem to act like Muslims too. Religion is free, I can practice humanist-secularism and I won't get my picket fence kicked by any extreme Christian sects or I can be an Altheist and said the all Mighty F word to the High one above, really, I can be anything, why is being something not in our textbook here is a crime? Religion, to me, sometimes is a burden, but I love God, I prayed to him, but I just never think he'll rain down some sort of huge judgement like ragnarok on us because I told a lie to my brother. Fate is for us to decide and outcome is because of our handiwork.

As any of you would know, you'll raise up your hands, amongst those with your classmates, and ask your teacher, why is the world round. For my case, I raised up my hands and asked my English teacher, "Why aren't we been taught Romeo And Juliet? We're 17 and any 13 year old kid in Briton already finished it 3 times." The only respond I get is, "That book is not authorized by the government for us to teach you, and furthermore, it is not part of my lesson plan to answer your question, Mr.Tan."

What-The-Fuck? Did you went WTF too, Privvies?

Oliver asked me the other day. "Have you read 1984? It's a real good read. Read it since I was in 9th grade."  I knew about 1984, by Orwell, but I fake a respond and said I have not. He laughed at my face and called me a book burning redneck. All I can say is, I love the government of Malaysia, for being so fucking retarded and having us people being called a redneck. So, everytime people asked me about books and films that we were not taught or shown in school, I said the government banned them. Simple. I will treat this land like Kazakhstan. I will be like Borat. Really, why aren't we been taught something awesome? I never did read Romeo and Juliet, nor Merchant of Venice, nor The Ravens.

You don't have to blame the government, you know, you can read it now.

Andy asked me that one, truth is, I called him an idiot. Given the amount of time while we were in school, couldn't we saved alot of time by reading these classics? Instead of wasting my time reading it now when I've got exams and huge sodding work to do outside? It will save a lot of time, it will buck up our English and promote a sense of mix Westernization and Orientalism. But no, my country is like Kazakhstan, I will burn it to the ground, later.

You should see the lights, privvies.

Regarding our teachers, everything is a no whatever we request is, it's always "The teacher said this, the teacher said that." Mind you, teachers in Malaysia nowadays are so full of shite, I rather read Wikipedia even though it's notorious for its incorrect data sometimes. Really, what I am telling you is not a joke, my teacher doesn't know whether to use Gray or Grey. Or Bitch is an actual word but seldomly use in text and it can be used as an offensive term, and that uber is a prefix for the Latin Hyper, the Greek Super and the English over. My history teacher doesn't know what is fascism, she doesn't know what else did the Japanese army did to Malaya, they doesn't know what year Korean war started, nor did they know that VIETNAM WAR existed, I do not blame them just cause they never lived through WW2 or Vietnam war, but really, with the amount of data online, in films and books, it is possible to say, I know Vietnam had a war with the US, not sure who won or what happened. Acknowledging it being existed makes you seem smarter than questioning me back that what the hell is that. My chemistry teacher gave us past years papers to study rather than teaching us. We did no lab works. Sport is a bunch of hooie with us jumping around and running like idiots. To create a club takes extremely long time, not because of bureaucracy, but because of reluctance from principals. What is it so bad about creating Chinese Society, are they afraid of the Triads? Or what is it so bad about creating a German-English translation club, is Goethe or Faust a bad read? Fashion club is denied because it's a senseless bunch of cloths patch up to look good? Cosplay Club, ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING OUT LOUD. Gamers Club, Hax0rs happened. Miniature Models Club, I think your kitty crushed its framework. So many ideas to help kids being active and beneficial in school and future life, so many phails that I do not know what or how to begin with. Do you realize how hard it is to be an auteur? I struggled with my creativity. Everytime I expressed an idea, it was shot down like the Red Baron. Creativity is banned. In a way. Art is a failure of which it comprises of 3 sections, where kids must learn sophisticated Malay and terms that are unheard of by non-Malays, incomprehensive texts that is uber long and lots more. Then you must do artwork and so forth, it seems okay, until you got a physics teacher turned art critic because of how lacking they are in the field of arts.

I am not really a big guy, my penis stands admittingly about 4" and yes, it is below average, and should be labeled small. Yes it's tiny and yada-yada-yada, but these days, I'm suffering from Penis envy. How do you say that your best friend and you were taking a leak, and you noticed his willy hung out like strings of tied up sausages and all he said was. "Chicks dig it." Yes, that struck me as, whoa, penis envy, a stupid retarded syndrome that made all men typing out  "Penis Enlargement" on Google. What was it about penis envy I should know, wait, penis envy? Shouldn't sex education covered it? No wait, sex education is bad, yes it is bad in Malaysia, cause we should never bring such a shameful topic out in public, guessed what, Europeans are starting sex education since the 70s and look at them, they are happy, some knew kegel, some practice diet, exercises to help their sex life. We never did know about sex education, hence the massive ads you can see on telephone poles by the streets that says "Kemaluan laki kecil? Telefonkan Pak Besar untuk ubat herbal yang boleh membesarkan sampai lapan inchi!" *Small penis? Call up Uncle Big for a herbal treatment that will enlarge your penis till 8 inches!* Ads like this, pulled us into believing that we can actually enlarge our penis, with the lack of sex education plus the education school gave us, any men will give in, even my father, once. I wish there was a sex counselor to help with my problems, but really, 4" inch is the type that goes I can hump a girl, but I'm a gay guy, how the hell am I gonna pleasure a guy by humping him with a tiny prick? The answer is, I don't wanna bother anymore. Sex education is useless even if it is applied in Malaysia now, conservative fucks will go all over it like flies on cowpie. I understand many guys in Malaysia had a sort of private problems, small balls,pricks,not enough orgasm, whatever it is, why didn't we been given sex eds so that we can understand further? Instead we cower in the dark, some will just stay hidden online googling for the answer to why is his penis small. Nobody in Malaysia believes it is genetics, they will say there is a way to grow it, you just need the right medicines. Truth be told, I even felt like answering one of those ads, though now, I understand some things because of my mate and a friend. I am lucky enough to say I did not end up like that Singaporean teen who suicided because of his small penis size. I admit I am small, but because it was how I brought it up that is small, I had to accept the facts. And no sex ed in Malaysia will help me through my gloomy periods of penis envy.

[Okay, that is an edited text I had because it was floating around in my head the whole morning.]

One last chance, Privvies.

Mana told me about how he dreamt of giving a valediction on stage, wearing robes and the mortarboards, after the tearful but satisfying speech, hat toss, then the Pièce de résistance , Pomp and Circumstances, March 4 plays, with lads and lassies, side by side, crying and congratulating each other on years of youthful zest, completed with ample pillars of educations being applied to our foundations. Although he won't give a valediction, he'll be part of the group still. Then, after that, I traded my version of my graduation of 2007.

Our loudspeakers ( We called them propaganda towers, like the ones China used) called for us to immediately come down to the assembly stage (Which is just the parking lot with a stage in the middle) and those who refuse to participate or late will be given strokes of cane or suffer being rejected for a school certificate. Hence, we obeyed (Like zombies). It was all ugly. All cheap stuff, made to us and treated us like slaves. We were paraded among uninterested kids of the younger forms. We go class by class. As my name was called out in a very embaressing way, I stood out, walked on stage, and in front of me were a random helper teacher, the principal and a prefect. A handshake, and I've been given my hard earn token of appreciation, my certificate! But where is the robe? The hat toss? The bands and the tearful joy? Then I was being shushed down the steps and a prefect demanded me my certificate. I asked her what for. She gave me the I don't care look and said, we're keeping this until you take your SPM results in March 2008. Gave her the finger and sod off. THAT is my graduation. I took my papers together with my results. There was no joy, no sadness, no sense of dignity in achieving my certificate. That is how we are. We'll do that hat toss though, later in life, in university. I feel like a baby now.

Can I be girly in those kind of conditions? Can I say I won't be afraid to love Madonna in raw public places in school? Can I say I am gay even, in school? Or can I say so many other things that are forbidden in my school?


Two morals here, education is the pillar of the nation. And the other is, Malaysians are really funny.

I deserved to be given the Corporal Cuddling. Yes. I am that bad.

Fuck you privvies. Why can't you understand public school? Mana,Oliver, Nate, Roger, why can't you behave like average normal beings, instead of screwing me and making me feel so low because I am in public school. I wish you take a chance and study in my school. I want to see how hard you go with the  WTF face every hour, the hours of pain sitting in a classroom that is so torn down like there's a tornado with paintcans in it screwing up the room. Why don't you understand how hard life was for us?

Really, do not say, " Don't try to compare our lives, we're different." Of course we're different, I compared, because without that broad line of comparison, how can I deserve the respect and maybe the sympathy? Why'd you called me an idiot, because we did not read things that you lots read? Why treat me like a common fool too? I want to be an educated person, but really, can any Malaysians of my status afford to pay 3 to 6 k Malaysian Ringgit to attend a semester of privvie schooling? That isn't inclusive with taxes, books and other fees. For you privvies, you lucky sods are too much, you've got the money, the condition, the enviroment to be happy and successful in life, you have what I do not have. You have international friends with extreme broad of mind, the teachers who are willing (but flawed sometimes) to assist, you have the freedom to do whatever you do so,as long as it is in the book. You enjoyed holidays and events that happened in America, like Culture Day, or Earth Day. We did not have any like that, we however, suffered events created by our education boards to torture and torment us forever. You people are too lucky, accept that you are happy with your lives, and that admit it that I have a more unfortunate fate. And never squabble over how bad your life or your school is because of some minor incidence, I rather go through thick and thin to stay in a privvie school. I never had a great graduation, I never had great events occuring in life. I however did have many scars from those lonely battles and emotional skirmishes. Forgive me when I say you should pay more respects to my failed attempt at school life. I will never see prom.I will never attend a bake sale, I will never go for Sadie Hawkin's Dance, nor will I toss my hat high to the air with my strength and shout that the stages in my life is closing in to be completed, I will never understand why. I am sorry for all these inconveniences but do bear in mind, your fate is forever sealed in that box that shall never be harmed nor broken. Live free. You blokes are the future. Be glad that you are not me, who had to suffer to write all these crap to remind you incessantly that being a privvie might be tough, but better than being a dumb retard like me.

I want a complete graduation.

Cause I love the mortarboard hats.

Let live and let go.

I always say sorry,

 because it's never a compromise.
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Challenge is a Virtue

No,not Confucus.

    There's so many things bothering me in my life. I wonder if I can organize it here. But I'll probably thik it's going to be uber messy.

I've got a Fat cat here lying on my lap,hindering most of my limb movements,especially my left arm. Not that it can cause me lots of trouble,as she schnurr and purr in her sleep,I look quietly into her slumber and asked her, why is my life so messed up? No answer, but I can see my series of problems gushing into my vision and thought like a river of orgasm, (Lol). My dad had asked me if I passed my application form and money to SAE yet, I'm not sure why but I'm so lazy and reluctant to do it, not to mention Fat keeps sleeping on my papers and PREVENTING me from writing all the details in it, dad was really worried on it, keep pushing me to do it. Other than that, my brother is getting on my nerve, Fat even sighed at the horrible arguments bloated up just now between me and him, goodness sake, he doesn't take common sense all too well, it was really a God awful experience. I hate him, I never loved him and I wished he'll just pop like a bunny in a cage full of niblets. I keep thinking he was the one hampering my life, he never did gave me any kindness, hardly anyone did, people do it out of sympathy and pity. I don't need pity, I need help.

    As I peered into her sleeping breath, I realize I fallen out of love with Andy, and in love with Mana-san, for someone who had dissed my love for military, I somehow got used to 'not talking about it' routine, no talk,no show, simple, and really, he's someone I can really tell my secrets to, other than Andy of course, but Andy...

"I wish he knows how much this relationship means to me."
"Don't leave me to other men."
"I long for some quiet solace with Andy."
"This relationship is slowly breaking apart, why'd you never take noticed?"
"You are a dunce, you never really take me very seriously."

I wish I can say those things but I can't, instead I TYPED them. I find the most ironic thing is, Andy lives 300 plus Clicks from me, yet, it might take months or years to meet. I'm getting tired of this routine, this annoyance has gone too far. Why can't I meet Andy? If he doesn't take me seriously, nor even plan to do something about it, chances are, you'll no longer see me on the net and definitely be wiped out from this cyberworld. I no longer want to exist, I just come here so I can see Andy. I hate dramas, I've been into too many dramas and it's just killing me to solve them, so I am really reluctant to just participate in some sort of affairs, hell, why should you? What can you gain out of it? It's just wasting my time and thinning my patience further. So instead, I waste my time with Mana, cause I know time is best wasted on/with him, rather than investing my precious patience to help in the whole drama. And I discovered, the longer I spend time with him, the more of these images pops into my heart, I just keep thinking about him, he can easily turn me on, he can make me giggled madly at the most perverse yet romantic thing. God how much I started to fall in love with him again and again, he makes me feel important. He makes me feel like I'm one of those 16 year old youngsters longing for sex. We hardly cammed for each other these days but I'm glad to know he kept my pictures. I feel....significant in his wheel of life, yet I feel more selfish and guilty by it. I can see Fat's eying me on the guilt part, but I'm more concerned with selfishness, Mana has Caleb, they're made for each other. I can see that, yet, I feel like Matahari, raping their love life with my thoughtlessness, rowing the boat away from each other. I want Mana badly, I want my cocktail pushing into him (Splurt, not stirred)  and make him feel alive again, the reason to live. Alas, it's all a cruel fantasy, to drive me insane. Denial,meowed Fat. What's with love really? Every 14 days,I had to feed Fat these, suppressants to ward off her "Animalistic instinct" so to prevent erm, horniness. I wish I can invent a Love-Suppressant, to throw my mind away from these Incessant urges for romance. I want to forget, forget it, forget it -

As I lift Fat away from my sleeping lap, I gently place her on my monitor's side, and she begins to lie down sideways and tuck herself in to sleep, she knows it's a routine, a sort of "law" set inside her mind. And this morning, she does it again, pushing my phone accidentally off the desk and landed with a loud clank, I woke up to the sound and double checked my phone, no harm. Nothing. Yet, in my head, I was wondering if I could just throw the phone away and forget that I had this "Nazified Phone Number" tattooed all over it. I hate it, I hate my phone, I switched it off for almost quite some time now, I hate getting phone calls from these "pals" of mine, opportunistic bastards, take me for granted. Jin already had left for college and decided his anime-crazed fans are a better bunch than me, Khalil's being a nosy prick and trying non-stop to make me hang out with him, personally, I have no qualms against him, but his conservative views on Islam is just annoying me, he has something against Christians and Jews, especially Jews, and it's beginning to tear down the wall here. I have nothing against religion, like Andy, I practice secularism and am glad that Buddhism doesn't really have a massive toll on your daily life. Anywho Mr. Khalil here thinks every victory in the games we played are credited to him and him only, if he were made general, I can predict terrible results here, he may be good in strategy but without the men helping him, what is there to gain? Not the world of course, but just his ego. And you got Mr. Bisexual-In-Denial, Zeke, or that's his Chink-y version of his name, as gay as he can be, he can be a fucking prick, but then again,he adopted the /b/ way of life and went I HERD YUO LIEK MUDKIPS routine, sad and pathetic, it really is, I heard better lines from a sleeping cat. "Purr"

    To say I hate them, sometimes, yes, definitely, to say I like them, maybe too, I never did acquired enough time to get myself acquainted with them, and sometimes, I'm too nice to give them second-chances, or a third time, to make up for their false impressions. This Sunday, they're inviting me to for another rousing game of cybergames, I of course been to a few of their invites, to only discovered some bitter taste in defeat and hyper-egotistical people. And difficult way to get home safely without being cheated by the very stereotypical Indian cab drivers,though Chinese cabbies are easier to negotiate, they want money only and as only as it's cash, sure heck we'll drive through a bunch of walking nuns so that I can have that 20 bucks! Malays are best enough to get a ride, either yes or no. Anyways, I'm very hesitant to go. Andy told me to just, kick your leg up and enjoy those nice days while you can, easy for you to say. It's easy to go there, mother can drop me off and me and Khalil hitch a bus and go there. But getting home, getting home is really a toughie. Took me 1-2 hours to actually get back safely (That's already 7-8pm!). And my past dream kept haunting me of the evil cab driver stabbeth thee thingy. Tiring journey, sometimes it might worth it if there's enough people, but judging by the looks of things, no. I can easily say no and just tell them I'm Emo at the moment. Or in layman's term, fuck off.

    Sure enough, she does the whole, cute baby act thing, it's just too much to bear. So I tickled her tummy and she goes on with a long and cute sigh. Why was she sighing about? My life? Sure enough, maybe my health, these days, I keep getting dermatitis over and over with my fingers, tried slapping ointment and avoid touching things, least it's lesser than usual. I wasn't really in the "Fittest bod" league nor the fat boy frat, but I think I'm going to be invited into the FBF. 67kg, that's my last measurement and goodness' sake, I'm getting fatter. How can I be trap worthy if my thighs and arse are huge? God, I even have a A size mantits. I can even do a boobjob! Then, acne's are slowly flaring up again, stress level rises, semen level down, couldn't even maintain a sizeable erection for 40 seconds. Somewhat, I've been taking the new multi-vat and it gave me really unpromising results, my eye strained too easily, irritability can come and go at any moment, taking a dump is getting harder, and I thought it can help with my *Ahem* low sperm count thingy, guessed I was wrong, too wrong, I felt awful, I dribbled when I came, I had more orgasm than ejaculations and it's just horrible. Stopped taking it solves some problems but I can sense a huge scar already being developed. I hate medicines, it's a fucking voodoo sometimes. Still...

    Oh, Fat meowed at me,telling me, time to sleep Bobby, it's been a wild night typing your horrors in a cyber notepad. Leave it and goodnight. Ta.
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Can you...

Touch your belly button with your penis? Really,I wanna know. So like,I'm not even near average here, cause I'm a damn Chink/Gook/Nip whatevah, but I could sorta touch it given I was an inch more, nayways. It's my birthday. =]

I don't wanna be old. No really, presents won't cheer me up. T_T
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I'm sorry, I just....can't control it, sooner or later I'll have tourette. You'll see. I didn't mean it,I'm frustrated to no end here.

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Do I?

When I look at Hugh Laurie, I laugh and smile. When I look at House, I want to be like him, sarcastic corny ol bugger like how Slackie used to train him back then in  France. I oughta be like him more, just to feel how people's blood boils at the sight of me.
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    drained drained

Sing For Absolution

"You know Andy, I'll take addmaths as well, I just scored A in my maths, you can say I can adapt to it either way. No challenge is too hard for me, I might as well take geography since I totally love to know these stuff."

"Don't you think you might've gone overboard with such an idea? You're not like Nur Amalina. Even 10 subject is difficult enough for me."

Bobby, you don't really pray for absolution, did you? Look at you, you're moping around wishing you turned back everything you've touched before. I'm quite shocked at how you turned out, sorrow flies around you like imps. Not only that, you regretted every decision you made in secondary school, why? Aren't you satisfied at how it goes? Regardless, I'm not happy you chose the rebellious way for a school life, you made your own hell, you know that Bobby?

Do you deny it?

The name Roberto comes from Rome,Berlin and Tokyo, interesting fact, isn't it? It's a widespread name back in the 30s-40s when people thought that the Treaty of Axis will be beneficial to these three sides. Bobby, you know this from Wikipedia. Sperm doesn't swim into your womb while you're swimming in a pool. You learnt that from Snopes. So many things you learn, were they in text books when you're in school? All nonsense, they're like the Nazis, treating it as Communistic propaganda, whitewash, thrash that's without a doubt no value in your life whatsoever. Your friends, no, not those Muslim pals of yours, people like Ronald, Alvin and so forth, did they know what's Jewish? Did they know what was the reason WW1 was fought? Did they know that we live and breathe on mythologies? Your government is a failure at its best.

Can you do trigonometry ,Bobby?

Surely, you're doing this because after this punitive exam is over, you can go to a more perfect study environment to pursue your most beloved dreams, am I not right? You play games, you chat, you surf and you smile. The truth goes deep inside, Bob. Really, it does, you're doing this because you want to rebel against the government, for hurting your brain, thinking they brainwash kids into stupor while the cycle keeps running and going till it hits boiling point. Was that your intention to not pick up a book and read it? When I was with you during the exam period, you're blinking, scratching your head profusely, trying to figure what was the answer to the electrochemistry question. Had you not heed my advice and not wasting your 2 years of your pathetic life on games, you might've know how to deal with that question that haunts your entire life now, do you?

Did you had enough sleep during the exams? Or busy wanking off to porn and flirting with yourself?

Laugh it up poster boy of the anarchy, can you laugh now while the results are coming really close around the corner? You're checking the news, the rumors, the phonecalls and oh the blogs! You're shivering day and night, waiting for the announcement date, was it today? Could it be tomorrow? Maybe next Monday? Today!? It's impossible! ,etc. List goes on, does it Bobby? You relax too much, you think it's easy to rebel? You think a Coup de' tat will end it all? How funny. Of all the papers you went through, I admit, the way they ask was really bloody stupid, who hired these goons to write it and don't even begin to tell me how it got through the Head. Nontheless, I find the questions to be quite easy if you HAD study it. Robert, you deny what I said?

You regretted not studying for history exam, aren't you?

Seriously, you're thinking that the government intentionally tries to make you all their slaves. No comments at all really, no comments at all after you've got beaten by a 15 year old Privvie (Private Schooler) when he asks you about physics. I thought you're good at physics. Not to mention your essay suck as hell. Really, the way you type, Oliver got a chance to go to Washington DC to take up political studies because of his perfect essay. You're a joke to the world,aren't you? Yes you are boy. You are a disgrace to Father Language. See how frustrated you are? 9 Subjects you took. Malay, English, E.S.T, Maths, Additional Maths, History, Moral Studies, Physics and Chemistry. You barely survived the Malay paper, you know what they said? You failed in your Malay, you won't get a certificate, you never pass your SPM. I know it's a bunch of crock but hey, you're not the "man", you don't set the rules up, it's them. What about English? So called, British blood in you don't work, does it? I would've guessed so, you took a gamble in using game reference when these old farts hardly touched Pong in their life, not to mention you had the worst handwriting I've ever seen in this world. You'll be worried more on the misplaced punctuations than the content marks. EST was abit problem for idiots like you, why didn't you stocked up on pens? Running low on ink is like running low on ammo for your rifle. What about math? You said you know how to handle it, but I don't think you can, judging at how much mistake you did in those papers, I'll be surprise you'll get even a A or B. Physics and Chemistry were no good too,was it? Guessed you're not "smart" enough, not to mention your history paper might flunk cause your essay section was really really short, too short actually.

You think you've seen the light?

Let me tell you, Bobby Tan, if I were there, I could've owned that test like a dog turd. Better luck next time, kid. Failure is the weakness of the enemy. And I'm referring it to you.


Let us not judge it yet. We'll go through heaven and hell either way, whether you make it or not, sing, Sing for Absolution. Pray tell God had listened to your pleads and cries.

"Let me get a great set of result."

You're looking for a 5As,a few Bs and definitely a 1F. Kid, let's hope God is looking down and reading this thing.
  • Current Music
    Sing For Absolution - Muse

Penny For A Thought

    Back from Perth and all I can say is, it's quite an interesting way to clear my head, apart from lots of screw ups and scoldings from both parents and my incomprehensible brother. Times sure goes back fast, 10 days of relaxing my mind off the whole trying to get outta here quick and get a student pass! The holiday itself, I never realize how friendly Australians are, I mean, if you're happen to be ignorant like me, you'll probably go saying "The Aussies love to see the Pope headbutting Obama and the Queen!" Rather,it's more or less their inner aggression, as far as I know, it's awesome to see how they react to your presence by going " Hey there, how're ya?" or  "Righto, here's the change,have a nice day and ta!" They really do make me heart goes warm, seriously, if only Malaysians were this friendly, I would've decided to just stay put here and went on my Tertiary education here in Malaysia.

    Aside from wonderful people, you get wonderful food! And not to mention Perth's own gay village. Or I think it is. I don't know, I'm glad I never went there on foot personally, just drove by around with a car; do you really feel easy when your parents were with you and together explore the homosexuality of a foreign country? Don't think so, mate. In short, food's great, people's great, nice weather and it tore a huge bloody hole in my wallet. Me moneybag is empty from all that expenditures.

    Ok, Perth's great and all but I'm not, really,I'm not bleeding happy, I'm like, at 15% capacity of happiness. As you know, I'm moving forward now, no more the old me where I groan and moan about how life sucks, I want to be the man ( woman) of action, no more loafing around like some buffoon. So I took the liberty of constructing a chart and monitor my physical physique, took pictures of me and gauge how much I've change,either from pale to healthy and so forth. It's great to know I got the motivation to actually attend to my own desire, rather than sit about thinking when the action is.

I want to crossdress.

No,I'm not lying here, neither I'm boasting. In my honest opinion here, and from others too, I do not possessed that quality a woman originally have, the tenderness and care, the utmost urge to stay calm at every decision and to be proactive at all situations. Me, what do I have really? I'm loud, obnoxious, unhygienic, disturbing and graceless. Hell, even a Communistic Ant struts with more grace than I do. It's not about the cloths, neither does the attention, I just feel like, there's a sense of extroverted mature loving woman in me, I know it sounds silly like a book from Charles Dickens but believe me, as a Pansexual, I'm open to any ideas regarding self-sexuality and mental conditions.

    I...admit I got some nice physical beauty that surpasses even a woman, like my very girly shota-loving cousin. I'm glad that I had those, except that, apart from that, if you would look at me naked, I think I would fit at the Chubby nerd-fucko type. I'm a size 34 for Pete's sake, I couldn't even wear the pants I had last year! Now you see why I feel like I must take some serious action on my health.

Andy told me I lack self-esteem. Now if that's related or not, it does really, I lack confidence in achieving my goal and finishing any accomplishments, especially those that garners some sort of attention , I hate being looked at, I hate being gossiped at, I took it quite personally and eventually, it leads to my downfall. My image is on the brink of self-absorption, now is definitely the time for me to understand my situation with utmost prejudice. Still, depending on how I go, I hope I can go well with my desire to crossdress and perform like Mika on a Sunday Morning with Adam Levine. 

All I need is a woman figure to guide me, like a shepherd to a lost flock of lamberts. And home on my own, seriously, do you think I would have lipsticks and eyelash curlers on my dressing table in full clear view to my parents now eh? Still,Andy told me that time will eventually come. It seems late now in my perspective, I lost that momentum and it'll be ultimately difficult to absorbing back that energy and physic to generate that sort of momentum I needed to unleash the inner me. I wish I can turn back time, to turn all those incidents around.. I'm bloody jealous of those Japanese crossdressers, they're effing good if you'd noticed. That androgynous body with a sense of femininity wrap around their all so beautiful face, they catwalk like a lovely model from the 80s. Hell, you can just look at Thailand or the States itself, I'm jealous at them, really I do, I'm jealous at this boy who really had the most beautiful face I've dream about, slick body and lovely legs, oh, aside from Mana-chan. He's so perdy too I felt stupid just thinking about anyone else. But that's me. They just really do fit in the category, and what I've researched about them, their upbringing led them to their fortunate fate. Their personality, their parents, their siblings and friends, things like that have a huge factor on how they're today, just wish I got the same treatment.

"Barry, shut the fuck up, seriously."

Free cookie for whoever guessed where that lines from. =P

  • Current Music
    Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5


  How long has it been? September had ended, October just whooshed into Hell,November went by like a breeze and then December. Couldn't say I didn't do anything here, I braced the unthinkable, my SPM's over, I killed my German exam, healed some wounds and mend a broken friendship. I'm glad I'm not sitting around not doing anything anymore, but sometimes I wish I just do.

When do I really feel liberated? When will the marquis decided to free me from Fascist tyranny? In case you've wonder, when the big exam's over, it's time to play the Big Kid's league,no more little Toddler's baby-shots, just you,me and this field of grass over here, first one to get fucked loses. In short, the world awaits my overwhelming presence. No more being in the Volksgrenadier or Volkssturm now, it's all the Schütze in the Grenadier Gruppen. Time to bear bigger weapons against evil.

The question in mind is, how do I get liberated from this Godforsaken shoddy Prisoner of War camp? Await the B-25 Lancaster bombing runs? A little Hush-hush SAS jeep raid? Or plain ol' Steve McQueen style with the BMW? I don't know. Really, read my lips, I don't know. It's gonna take a long while before I wake up again,still, as far as I feel now, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad either, it's just that, times like these, I should be proud that I ended my Secondary Education with ease and contentment, not to mention garner a few friends and end some horrible enemies.

Then, I got myself to look after, I get sick too easily, I'm getting pale AND dark, my face feels fat, I slouch too much, my hair looks like Groucho Marx, and I couldn't even wear a size 30 pants. I'm still living with my parents and a whiny brother whose obsessed in bugging the fuck out of me.

I want my own place.

I want my own life.

Liberation is at hand soon,I wish.
  • Current Music
    TruppenSchau - FeindFlug

Animal Violence

Horror and disgust is what I could convey my feelings. Alot of things have plagued my head these couple of days, it hurts to think, I can't stop thinking about it, worse still if my mind is blank,these...unthinkable will come to disrupt my sanity. I seen so much of it, mostly from internet and movies while others include manga and stories, for the sake of God, I'm scared, I've never been afraid of people violence but animal violence and abuse is just too much for me to bear...I bear alot of burden for my own cats,I know how they felt when one by one succumb to illness more. Just, be kind to animals please, does it hurt you to buy a dollar of Friskies packet and feed the strays? Even leftover to the puppies can save them. Do me a favor,do all of us a favor.

And to you sick fuckers,sick unforgiving mother fucking shitheads,if you think abusing and torturing animals is fun, please wait till I find you, I'll show you the true fucking meaning of pain and mercy, how could parents taught kids to kick dogs for fun? Or crush frogs or shoot at birds? Hunting and not being a vegetarian is one thing but eat these exotic delicacies is a fucktard's dream, I had that once, I regret the day I lay my taste bud on it.

What did they do to you? Hell, I want to grab that son of bitch in AA, I just want to kick his ass so hard...I don't mind being jailed or executed, as long as I find you and deal with you, it's all fine by me.

You...Fieldmarshal or whatever your name is, I known you since I joined DA long time ago and when I heard you gave rat poison to a cat for ruining your model...Jesus H Christ, my cat almost died from Rat fucking poison you sick bastard, If I do see you,remind me to fucking grind your balls before you say anything to me.

And to that bitch nurse who uses high heels for fun, hope you get hunted down by extremist animal group, I don't mind feeding you to the loins for what you did, whore.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry

Starting Afresh

I got fed up of my life. Seriously,  I mean, who comments on my piece of journal? The only reason why I write is to make me feel calm and comfortable, what would make me feel better is at least some recognition, come on,a nice "I feel like that too" or "I hope you feel better" would do. Now no more, I deleted lots of people from my Yahoo list, I gotta get ready and prepare, no more fooling around. I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I just want to feel new. And be new.
  • Current Music
    Changing Seasons - Persona 3 OST